Let Go

Please keep my mom in your prayers. I spoke with her on Monday [and found out more details yesterday] and she told me that her liver and kidneys are failing her. She says that dialysis is the next step for her and she has been going to the doctor every other week for a check up. They say that they can't do anything for her. She has known that they were failing for about a year now and was told 4 months ago that she was estimated only 18 more months for her. I believe that God has the power to determine that and not the doctors. She wasn't going to tell me, or anyone else for that matter, but she did and I have shared it with my sisters. We are all trying to take it in as much as we can right now.

I also ask that you pray for me. Many of you have probably not heard my testimony, but without going into a whole lot of detail I will say that I have a lot of bitterness and anger built in my heart towards my mother. There are things that she has done that have affected me so strongly that I guess she didn't realize until it was too late. [If you want to know more, I will be glad to share my testimony with you]

As I am sitting here restless, yet another night, my mind won't stop. It keeps on going as if a million possibilities could be going through it right now, but only one is passing slow enough for me to dwell on. What if she is taken and I never made things right? What if I don't have/take that chance to set things straight with her? But then another question arises...How do I set it right if she was the one in the wrong. She was the one who left me, so what am I supposed to do.

Well, my first thought is to be blunt with her and let my stubbornness sink in as I wait for her to apologize for the wrong that was done to me, but I know that isn't what I am supposed to do. I know that I have to forgive her and let it go. It happened in the past and if I dwell on what happened then, I can't focus on what God is doing now, in the present. I know that He has BIG plans that I can't even begin to imagine, but He can't work those plans out if I won't let the past things go.

Someone pointed out to me tonight that my relationships in the future are all affected by my relationship with my mother and I totally agree. I am so afraid to get too close to anyone now because I am so afraid that I will let my guard down and I will be left and hurt all over again. And the walls refuse to come down. I know that God can break them down. He can crush the walls of hurt and bitterness inside that are holding me back from what He has for me. Barlow Girl has a song out that has really spoken to me today and I wanted to share it with you guys. It is called Let Go...

Yeah I trust in You
I remember times You led me
This time it's bigger now
And I'm afraid You'll let me down

But how can I be certain?
Will You prove Yourself again?

'Cause I'm about to let go
And live what I believe
I can't do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go
When I let go

What is this doubt in me
Convincing me to fear the unknown
When all along You've shown
Your plans are better than my own

And I know I won't make it
If I do this all alone

'Cause I'm about to let go
And live what I believe
I can't do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go
When I let go


Anyway, I just wanted to leave that with you for tonight. I will keep you all posted on my mom and myself as well. I love you guys and thanks for all your prayers.

Chels